The Saudade

I was in the fields, a dry barren land. As far as the eyes could see there seemed to be no sign of life. The dusty land underneath my feet was cool which was weird because the sun was shining bright overhead. The land was divided into plots by trenches. The plot I was standing on felt like it belonged to me. There were withering plants all around me. I started moving forward, careful not to crush any of the plants. 

I spotted a big tree at one end of the plot, with its branches giving inviting shade all around it from the blistering sun. There was life, after all, amidst this desolated land. I could also see a figure sitting underneath the tree. I squinted my eyes but was not able to make out who it was. There seemed to be a big metal box next to the figure. Pipes were coming out from it, disappearing under the earth in all directions. I noticed there were holes in the ground. I moved towards the figure under the tree. As I got closer, I saw it was my father. 

He was sitting there with a small bag with him. He gestured towards me to come and sit beside him. I did. He opened up the bag and took out some food and passed it to me. We began eating and talking of land and life. All of a sudden he asked me,

“What do you remember of your mother?”

I was taken aback. I had not given a thought to her in quite some time. I closed my eyes and searched my brain hard but could not recollect anything. As much as I tried, I could only find a photograph of her. How could it have been? It was as if all the memories were missing. I should have had some memory; she was my mother after all. It felt wrong. I opened my eyes and shook my head. The photograph kept popping up.

“Nothing?”, he asked. I shook my head again. I could not decipher what his reaction was. It was not sad or disappointment, maybe just disbelief. I was still looking at that photograph.

“Turn on the water”, he said after we were done eating. He was pointing towards the metal box. I looked at it. It was more like an electric fuse box. There was a big round green button as well. I got up and pressed the button. There were sprouts of water coming from the holes in the ground like numerous small fountains. As I was admiring the plot getting its well-deserved share of water, my father’s voice came “Now turn the other side on too.” I went round the box and there was a green button here as well just like on the other side. I pressed it and there was a sound of water gushing out of the sprinklers.

I looked up but there was no dry barren land on this side of the tree. There was a lot of greenery. All kinds of flowering plants in their prime. It was a pallet of colours of flowers and the leaves. The view brought a memory of a terrace filled with similar plants, the same pallet of colours. The sprinklers were still on, quenching the thirst of these plants. My memory now had a figure, my mother. She was watering the plants on the terrace. The pain hit me too quick for me to handle myself. The terrible sense of missing and longing was overwhelming. The delicate flowers had broken down the rigid wall behind which all my mother's memories were put away. I saw them flashing before my eyes. Me, resting my head in her lap as she stroked my hair, her voice, her smell. I began crying; wailing. The sense of sadness was too great. 

My body was now being transported to my bed. What I felt was still with me in my heart and soul, so powerful that I woke up. I could feel tears as they trickled down on my pillow...

***

Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves.

Feedback Appreciated!